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Our Impact On Our Children’s Development
The passages below are excerpts from a rather lengthy email I received this morning from sports psychologist, Dr. Jorge Valverde. I am reprinting them with his permission.
Our responsibility as parents is like a mountain: the bigger the mountain to climb, the stronger we must become, and our strength must come from wisdom and inspiration.
Dealing with discipline issues
Motivational strategies that produce the best results
Perfectionist approach:
Perfectionists act based on an illusion that you can do things perfectly. This tendency brings their attention to what is missing, so regardless of how well their children perform or act, they will always find something that was not done perfectly and point it out, usually without mentioning what was done well. This constant dissatisfaction with their children’s performance sends a clear message: “You are not good enough”. And since the majority of children want to make their parents proud, they will work very hard to please them but with a great deal of tension and anxiety. Eventually, children internalize their parents’ approach and become obsessive about insignificant details when performing a task, overlooking the forest by focusing too much on the trees, easily losing perspective of what really matters about the task at hand and life. Their tendency is to think too much when performing which impairs their ability to get into the “zone”. Tension easily turns into negative anger which is the biggest obstacle preventing happiness and high performance. As a consequence, children of perfectionist parents find it difficult to find peace of mind, relaxation and enjoyment in life regardless of their success. I usually ask these kids a simple question: “How do you feel when your parent focuses on the mistakes you made?” Their answer is always the same: “Not good!” An irony, isn’t it, their parents making them feel bad so they would become good!
Pursuit of Excellence Approach:
The pursuit of excellence approach focuses on conquering the inner battle between fear and total belief in oneself. Parents systematically pay close attention to building their children’s self-confidence. They prepare their children to handle any situation in life. They focus on their children’s gifts and develop them without judgment and without preconceived ideas of what their children “should” do in life. They teach the core values by example, such as integrity, positive expectancy, respect, belief and spirituality, enjoyment, appreciation, gratitude, priorities, perspective, perseverance, passion etc. They teach their children the importance of preparation and giving 100% effort when facing a challenge, and to let go and let God handle the rest, the unpredictable circumstances. *When observing and giving feedback to their kids, they focus on finding the good first, in a ratio of eight to one. They first acknowledge eight things that their children did well and with great effort, and only then they mention one aspect that needs attention or more effort. This is a powerful formula for children to create drive and total focus on their inner positive forces in life and it is one of the keys to building self-confidence.
When focusing on your children’s gifts without judgment, reinforce their excitement and interests with the attitude of a silent witness. Logistically help them channel their enthusiasm. The first spark or excitement doesn’t necessarily translate directly into one’s call or vocation, but serves as a vehicle to develop trust in the inner voice that gives direction and purpose to one’s life. When I was a child I wanted to be a veterinarian. I was fascinated by animals of all kinds. My parents gave me a puppy that became my companion for 13 years. I called him “Happy.” For several years, I was around animals, taking care of them and playing with them. Eventually, my father gave me a book about animal behavior and how to train dogs. I spent countless hours training dogs on how to do tricks of all kinds. Without realizing, my parents were developing in me key traits that are very useful today in my profession as a psychologist, but, most importantly, they were teaching me to follow my inner spark. Later, when I decided to change from studying economics to psychology only six months before graduation, I did it with great confidence even though only a bachelor’s degree was offered at that time in my country.
For more information on Dr. Valverde and his programs, be sure to visit his website, The Valverde System.
Beyond Winning & Losing
Our state qualifier for the Southern Closed was this past week. For the first time ever, my son knew when he applied for entry to the tournament that he would get in – he had worked hard all year to move his state ranking into a proper position. Now the challenge was getting far enough in the Qualifier to secure a spot in the Closed.
The Tennis Gods smiled upon him with his draw, but it was still up to him to capitalize on some great opportunities to get to the Round of 16 (or further) and get that guaranteed entry into the sectional tourney. It was going to be a challenge, for sure. His track record with “gifts” in the draw wasn’t all that great – in the past, he had often lost to players with much lower rankings than his own, so he was going to have to draw on all the training he had been doing with his coach to stay focused and get the job done.
After winning his first match in less-than-ideal weather conditions, he got to play his second round on center court at the main tournament site with several of his friends and other coaches standing around and periodically watching him. He won the first set 6-0 in about 12 minutes, absolutely crushing his opponent at every opportunity. But, old habits die hard, and he wound up falling behind 0-4 in the 2nd set before fighting back a bit then losing it 4-6. Thank goodness for the 10-minute break after splitting sets! I have no idea what my son’s coach told him on the phone, but he came into that 3rd set swinging away, jumping to a 5-0 lead before finally closing out the set and the match 6-0, 4-6, 6-2. He had made it to the Round of 16 and had his spot in the Closed!
The next morning, he was slated to play the 2 seed, a boy who he had never played before, a boy who is a 5-star rated player, a boy who wins big tournaments on a regular basis. This was my son’s chance to test his game against the Big Boys, to see how he held up and where he needed work. What an opportunity! He went on court ready to do battle. He pushed the 2 seed hard in the first set, making him work for every point and every game. My son lost that set 4-6, but he proved to himself that he could compete at this level, that he has what it takes to keep moving forward with his development. The next set didn’t go quite as well, but, still, my son walked off the court with his head held high, knowing he had left everything he had out there.
Day 3 brought the Back Draw and another opportunity to play a 5-star player in the day’s second match. By this point, my son was exhausted – mentally and physically – and the match ended quickly though not in my son’s favor. The tournament was now over for him, and it was time to reflect:
- He reached his goal of qualifying for the Southern Closed.
- One of his favorite college coaches saw him play and crush his opponent then congratulated him afterward on the great win.
- His former coach saw him play the 2 seed and commented on how far he’s come in the last year.
- After playing the 2 seed, he immediately got a text from another player asking him to play doubles in the Southern Closed – his Tennis Clout jumped about 100 places as a result of his effort in that match.
- His current coach watched his first back draw match and got the opportunity to coach him during a rain delay following a sloppy first set. My son went back on court and did exactly what his coach told him, winning the match at his first opportunity. His coach was beaming!
- His tennis peers told him repeatedly over the course of the tournament how well he was playing – that does a teenage ego good!
- He used his mental toughness training and stayed calm throughout each match – you have no idea how huge that is!!!!
- He saw what he needs to work on between now and the Closed and is ready to put in the hard yards. The next level is finally within his reach.
Pardon My Gushing, But . . .
When I first decided to write this blog, I made a promise to myself that I would steer clear of self-congratulatory pieces praising my kids (and myself) for their accomplishments. However, today I’m giving myself a “pass,” so please bear with me!
The path to success is usually pretty twisty and hilly – there are good days and not-so-good days, days where you’re on top of the world and feel indestructible and days where nothing goes your way. When your kid is on that path, and you’re just the observer and facilitator, it’s a tough place to be. You have to watch as your child struggles with failure, struggles with losses, struggles with injuries, struggles with self-doubt – all the while, continuing to love them and encourage them toward their goals.
This past weekend, I got to witness just the opposite. My son played in an 18s tournament, a local one, playing up for the first time (he’s still just 15). The weather, after having been very mild all season, decided to take a turn toward full-on winter, with temps in the low 30s (20s with the wind chill factor) and high winds with a few snow flurries tossed in for good measure. When I tell you that these conditions have never worked in my son’s favor, I’m being very understated. He has always HATED playing in the cold and wind and, in the past, made every excuse under the sun for why he could never win in those circumstances. I was bracing myself for more of the same, especially since there was absolutely no pressure on him as an unseeded 15 year old in the 18s draw.
His first match was at 8am on Saturday – a brutal time in the best of weather, but in the freezing cold it’s just tortuous! Hubby and I bundled up in our warmest ski gear and stood courtside as our son quickly won 6-0, 6-0, beating another unseeded player. The wind was whipping and the snow flurries were blowing, but somehow my son found a way to a quick win, making 100% of his 2nd serves even in those rough conditions.
His 2nd match was at 2pm that same day. The weather took a turn for the worse (as if that were even possible!), with the winds howling. My son had to play the #2 seed, but quickly put him (and hubby – I was playing my own match that afternoon INDOORS) out of his misery, winning 6-1, 6-1 with just one double-fault. Somehow, he figured out a way to play quick and effective tennis so the wind and weather were taken out of the equation. Though I wasn’t there to witness it myself, hubby gave me a full report, saying how amazed he was that our son was able to pull out the win so fast. My son told me the tennis wasn’t pretty but it was effective!
The Final was scheduled for the next day at noon. My son had to play the #1 seed, a kid he had never played but who had some very good wins on his record. It wasn’t quite as windy on Finals Sunday, but it was even colder than the previous day. Hubby and I bundled up again and braced ourselves to watch a tough match.
The players didn’t disappoint! They each held serve for the first 6 games of the first set, but then the other boy broke to go ahead 4-3. My son was showing some frustration, but he found a way to break back though he wound up losing that set 7-5. In the second set, my son pulled ahead quickly with 2 breaks of serve, going up 4-1 and serving to take a 5-1 lead. But, his opponent found his way back into the set, breaking my son’s serve then holding then breaking my son again to tie it up at 4-4.
If this match had happened 6 months ago, I would’ve said it was over at this point. My son would’ve checked out mentally, making all kinds of excuses for why he couldn’t win. But, he didn’t. He stayed tough, competing even better as the match progressed. Both boys continued to hold from that point forward, eventually reaching 6-6 and a tiebreaker. His opponent went up 3-0 in the breaker, and hubby and I were feeling pretty stressed out watching our son struggle. But then he found another gear, mentally, and climbed out of the hole, winning the set 7-4 in the tiebreak. That was a huge momentum shift.
Because of the extreme weather, the boys were told to play a 10-point Super Tiebreaker instead of a full 3rd set. My son’s tiebreak record over the past 6 months is pretty solid – he’s only lost one 7-point breaker during that time and has won 100% of the 10-point breakers he’s played – so I’m guessing he was feeling pretty confident down there. His opponent was looking a little shaky, stretching his quads and calves after each point, taking the pace off his serve and, basically, just pushing it in to get the point started. At one point, maybe due to the wind, the opponent hit an underhand serve a la Michael Chang, and my son unleashed an inside-out forehand return winner which put an end to that tactic!
The boys kept trading mini-breaks then holding serve, keeping the score in the tiebreaker very close. At 10-all, hubby and I realized this match could go either way. Both guys were playing very solid tennis, working each point, making very few errors. Over the next few points, each of them had a chance to close out the match, but then other would come up with a winning shot to tie things back up. My husband, who is usually a pretty cool character, was jumping around like a jackrabbit, muttering “c’mon” under his breath, trying to keep our son motivated to fight. Finally, at 14-14, my son pulled ahead and had the chance to serve for the match. He hit a huge body serve to his opponent who was unable to handle it, netting the return. My son had won 5-7, 7-6, 16-14. His first 18s tournament and his first 18s tournament championship – wow!
I know it sounds cliche’d, but it really was a shame that one of the boys had to lose that match. They both played high-level tennis for almost 3 hours in very tough weather. They both continued to compete, staying mentally strong and going after every ball. They both wanted to win and were willing to stay out there all day to do it. In the end, it came down to a big serve and an even bigger heart. I couldn’t be prouder!
Rituals, Superstitions, & Quirks – Oh My!
The photo above is from my 15 year old son’s room. His shoes are lined up perfectly – perfectly spaced, perfectly aligned – what 15 year old boy does that??? And, yes, the rest of his room, as well as his racquet bag, is similarly arranged. During tournaments, he eats the exact same thing for breakfast each day, the exact same thing for lunch, and the exact same thing for dinner. His before-bed-during-a-tournament ritual is well-rehearsed and impeccably executed each night, too. When I, jokingly, asked him about all this craziness he said, “Mom, I’m a tennis player,” as if that were all the explanation I needed.
According to noted sports psychologist and author, Allen Fox, superstitious behavior is extremely common in tennis as well as other sports. “I believe it comes from the fact that the athletes are very concerned with their performance and winning but can’t control these things. They are surrounded by stressful uncertainty. So they look for outside help. Superstitious behavior may give them some slight comfort in countering the uncertainties. It leads to the feeling that outside forces are working in their favor. This, in turn, can reduce their stress levels.”
Without these rituals and quirky behaviors, Fox says, the stress level could red-line very quickly or the unthinkable could happen – the player could choke. The outcome of close matches is uncertain and these matches become stressful. Fox tells us that our normal emotional response to prolonged stress is to reduce the stress. This is the reason players tank, lose focus, become angry, or make excuses. It’s to reduce the stress and escape the dilemma of wanting to win but being uncertain of their ability to do so. These urges have to be consciously countered, which the great players do. Watch the between-point and serving rituals of Maria Sharapova or the careful arranging of the water bottles by Rafa Nadal. These habits become an ingrained part of the player’s game and a necessary piece of the puzzle in their ability to stay focused on the task at hand. Many articles have been written and YouTube videos posted about these player quirks. Maybe my son is onto something???
In sports circles, having these rituals is part of developing Mental Toughness. In my house, though, we refer to it as – and I mean this in the most loving way possible – crazy. 🙂
I would love to hear about some of your junior player’s rituals – please share them in the Comments box below.
ParentingAces 